i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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