the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There r osticjed everywhere
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
