That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
