I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
