I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
