A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
