Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
