his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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