i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
