sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
