I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
