the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
