My room smells like vodka and shame
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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