I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
