I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
