Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize