So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
