Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize