I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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