living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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