He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
