I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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