how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
