I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
