My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
