i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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