Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
