My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
