I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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