my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
