I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
