dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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