At least make sure they are 18
Why
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
