so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
