i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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