not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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