I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
