last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
