Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
