My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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