My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
