He felt like a one man threesome
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
