he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
