It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
