I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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