just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
