he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
