Are we in a gay sports bar?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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