if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize