I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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