can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
