Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
