He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize