You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
