does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
