You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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