I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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