Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize