I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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