You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize