tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
