Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
