Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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