were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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